The Case of the Dangerous Dachshund

A jury felt an “attack” by a 4-pound Dachshund was worth $130,000.00, but justice prevailed…

Plaintiff: Plaintiff enters the Penny Pinchers grocery store in West Point, Mississippi, on August 16, 2006. She says hello. She walks down the aisle. Suddenly, the bark of a savage dog rings out! Plaintiff flees, terrified, with the clicking of the pursuing animal’s claws echoing in her ears. When Plaintiff turns to see how close her pursuer is, she collides with a freezer at the back of the store. Frantically, she tries to claw her way onto the freezer, desperately trying to survive!

Defendant: The dog is a four-pound Dachshund puppy.

Plaintiff: Plaintiff explains that she is terrified of all dogs and was not initially aware of the size of her pursuer. She laughs. She continues to shop. She can pick up five pounds of catfish and four pounds of sugar before the terrible pain in her hip begins. She sobs. If only the store had not created a dangerous condition by failing to properly restrain the dog and/or warn customers of its presence. How different things would be now!

Defendant: Um, hold on a minute. It turns out Plaintiff has had hip problems for decades, beginning long before this or any Dachshund allegedly chased her into a freezer. Also, the dog is a four-pound Dachshund puppy, ergo, not a “dangerous condition.”

The Jury: Justice is elusive in the case before us. Each party has made several points that we partly understand. So that we may depart, let us assign some fault to each, say, 30 percent to the Plaintiff and 70 percent to the Defendant. Thus, we award $130,000 to the woman who fled in terror from a Dachshund.

The Trial Judge: I agree that the evidence supports such a result.

The Mississippi Court of Appeals: It is now time to get serious. A business owner has a duty to warn of dangerous conditions that are not apparent. “[I]mplicit in that duty is that a dangerous condition must exist.” Dogs are not dangerous per se, and no evidence showed that this one had exhibited dangerous propensities during the four months she had been alive. “We must also consider that Sophie was a four-pound puppy at the time of the incident,” and that invitees must themselves use “that degree of care and prudence which a person of ordinary intelligence” would use under the circumstances. The Plaintiff’s decision to run headlong into a large object while fleeing from a four-pound dog must be viewed in this light.

The Result: Reversed.

A Perry Mason reference will appear here in the future. I loved watching Perry Mason and learned a trick I used in court successfully many times back in the days before we had to provide documents of everything in the world. It would work today in the right circumstances. It just assists in getting to the truth. Someday, I’ll reveal it.

As nutty as it sounds, I carried the opening theme music to show on a recorder and played it as I walked down the hall to the courtroom for a trial.

My mom got me started on the show when I was a kid. I always loved the opening “smirk” at the beginning of the show he had when, while reviewing the case before trial, the answer came to him.

Practicing law back in the day was more fun when we only sometimes knew the witnesses that would be called or the documents to be used as exhibits. So we had to play it by ear, so to speak, and think on our feet.

This is different. In 2017, I had a non-oral hearing scheduled but needed a continuance so we could have an oral hearing. To do so, I needed approval from the other attorney, who happened to be out of town. It turns out he was kayaking somewhere.

His legal assistant tried to reach him by phone, but he didn’t have it with him. She was able to get his wife. We were running out of time. His wife hopped in a kayak to take a phone to him about 30 minutes before the court was closing to seek his approval. I got it. My legal assistant, Margina, got the paperwork together and went to the court within 20 minutes to get the continuance and oral hearing approved. Thank you, Margie!

A first for me,

• I spent my life being told the dangers of looking at an eclipse unprotected, so I didn’t. Yesterday, my wife was going to watch it with grandkids, so I researched the glasses.
  
  I went to get a pair from a guy selling glasses from his truck, which had a table next to it. He handed me a pair, but I had the numbers written down. He was ready for me and read the numbers. All good, but one problem.Me: These are 2015 glasses. They’re nine years old.Him: I don’t know. 5 dollars.

  Me: They’re nine years old. You get these for free and sell them for 5 bucks. You have quite a racket going here.

  But I bought the glasses, went home, and warned my wife to be careful. I warned her the glasses were old. She reminded me I said only the numbers mattered. I only bought one pair since I wasn’t going.

  But after nine years, a scratch is enough, and after nine years, there had to be a problem.

  I kept talking to her, trying to convince her not to go. I told her she could be blind with a couple seconds of exposure.

  A friend of mine came over. She handed him the glasses to try on. The guy has a head the size of a watermelon. Now, the glasses would fall off her head while watching the eclipse. I showed my wife pictures of people holding the sides of the glasses against their heads with their hands. I told her to make sure to do this to be safe.

  When she left, I again instructed her to keep herself safe. I was going to stay home but decided to run an errand. I grabbed my cane—yes, I use a cane. It’s my Bat Masterson look.

  We were in the path of totality. As I was driving, it was starting to get dark. I put my lights on, stopped the car, and glanced at the Sun. It looked hazy. When I got to the end of the back road, I stopped and looked again. The Sun was almost blocked, so I started driving again. Another mile, and I was where I needed to be. I looked up again. The Sun was blocked, and the corona circled it. My glances were all short.

  When I returned from the store, the Sun was really bright. I looked up, but it was too bright. I got in my car and drove to Watermelon Head’s house—actually, one of the barns. I told him on the way over that I could see wavy lines in front of my eyes. I have a somewhat large floater, which was now still, and my eyes hurt slightly.

  My wife called while I was there. I told her what I was experiencing with my eyes. She expressed disbelief after hearing what I had done after all of my yapping about the importance of the right glasses, but she showed no concern.

  Me: I could go blind,

  Her: We’ll get you a white cane.

  Uproarious laughter from Watermelon Head.