The list is attributed to Dr. Constance Ahrons although she did not write the list of as shown. The titles in caps, the main rule statements, can be almost taken directly from her work 15 Golden Rules for Achieving a Good Divorce. The explanatory text beneath each one was added by me for easier reading and because I don’t 100 per cent agree with her. My notes are based on over 40 years of experience as a divorce lawyer.
1. ACCEPT THAT ALL-OUT WAR IS NOT INEVITABLE.
In fact, sometimes the opposite is true but either way, it is destructive. Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are two choices that aim to reduce anger between divorcing spouses. I don’t care for either, but that’s just a thing on my part.
2. STAY IN CHARGE OF YOUR DIVORCE. Remember, this is your divorce, not your lawyers. I always told my clients I was their employee. As long as they ask me to do nothing unethical, they were in charge.
3. SLOW DOWN THE PROCESS. Although adults often want to move on quickly, remember that children need time to adjust.
4. ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS–AND HAS A RIGHT–TO BOTH PARENTS. Remember your children’s needs even though you’re angry with your spouse.
5. COOPERATE WITH YOUR EX FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN. It’s one of the best gifts you can give your kids. Ongoing conflict between parents increases children’s distress. And don’t use “ex” when referring to your former spouse. It’s a personal thing I hate; use former spouse.
6. DON’T BADMOUTH YOUR EX IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. When you badmouth your ex to the kids, you are telling your kids that the part of them that is like their other parent is bad, too. It is bad for their self-esteem. At some point, some children will turn against the parent doing it.
7. DIVORCE IS NOT THE END OF THE FAMILY. It’s important to your children’s well-being that they feel they still have a family. Help them understand that the divorce means that they are now a dual-household family. You and your spouse divorced each other; you did not divorce your children.
8. RECOGNIZE THAT COMPROMISE IS ALWAYS NECESSARY. This is key to helping to reduce your anger. Also know it’s not always possible. Just make sure you determine it, not your attorney, after discussion.
9. LET YOURSELF FACE AND GRIEVE YOUR LOSSES. One of the big losses is the loss of future dreams. Just beneath your anger is sadness over the losses of those special things you might have hoped for in your future. If there are no children, consider the equivalent of death. Unless you live in a small town, when you leave the courthouse the final time, it’s unlikely you’ll see each other again.
10. LET THE ANGER GO—AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Holding on to hostility and anger is self-destructive. It keeps you stuck in the past and keeps you from finding new joys in life.
[Note] The Good Divorce and the official 15 Golden Rules for Achieving a Good Divorce handout is available as a free PDF on constanceahrons.com, or here: A ROAD MAP FOR PARENTS WHO WANT A GOOD DIVORCE
